Nanshan District

So as some of you may remember, I discovered at the end of November that I had about two weeks to move into a new apartment. In December, I moved to Nanshan (a district of Shenzhen). Nanshan literally translates to "South Mountain," and I just assumed that the name came from the fact that Shenzhen is south of the mountain ranges in this part of China.

HOWEVER, turns out there is a very literal, actual mountain in the middle of the city.

There it is folks, Nanshan itself.

It's a public park with free entry to all (I'm pretty sure), and I know at least one person who likes to hiking there regularly. When she told me she liked mountain climbing I thought it was her ideal vacation, but it's actually just how she spends her days off, haha.

The start of the trail

View from the bottom

idk where this leads but it was artsy and I saw it near the trail, so it gets to go on the blog

So I didn't actually climb it, haha. I had found a flyer (MONTHS AGO, but hey) for a dance studio pretty close to my house that offered adult classes, and I decided to walk over and check it out last week. The first day I went it was closed, so I just wandered around the area and remembered that the mountain was pretty close, so I walked over there to have a quick look.

Anyway, now I'm signed up for yoga and belly dance classes four days a week (two yoga, two belly dance) because that's what they offered. I meant to only buy a month of yoga classes, but I think the way they were selling classes was as a whole package, so I ended up buying both. They were super cheap, regardless, and I figure it won't hurt to try and new dance style. The yoga's really been kicking my butt though.... But it's all good. Gotta stay in shape 💪💪💪

The best part is that I can walk to the studio, so I don't have to get up super early to catch the bus 🙏

It's a really nice walk!

This is the corner of the park where I used to run every morning (until my knee began to give out - that's a separate story)

I love this tree

My favorite thing I pass on my way to class is this:

Which is just a sign for the local community center...

...that features THE cutest rendition of the sickle and hammer I've ever seen.

I really like this logo because I grew up being conditioned to view that symbol (and the color red) as something to fear and be weary of. There's good reason for it of course, considering how tumultuous and dangerous of a place China was for much of the 20th century, but it's cool to see some proof that for most people, their friendly neighborhood CCP is just another branch of a too-convoluted bureaucracy, staffed mostly by people who are actually trying to help. Makes a girl feel like we're not so different after all 😊

Peace, y'all.

Promise I'm Still Alive

Hey folks, it's been a moment or two since I last posted huh?

A lot happened, I guess; I turned twenty-three, my parents came to visit, I've started investigating job options after my contract ends, I read a few books, took another overnight trip to Hong Kong, made it to a tiny morning mass on Good Friday, etc.

This is just a check-in to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten this blog, and I do intend to make more posts fairly soon! But I did want to admit something that I had kind of been keeping a secret, and the fact that I'd been secret about it made me not want to post, so I think being honest about it will help me re-establish some regularity in my blogging schedule.

I hate my job. I really, really hate my job. And not in the way you usually hate your job - I've worked retail before, and I hated that, but it was a sort of justified, righteous anger that I could go home and easily vent out. The job I have now I hate for a lot of reasons, but the biggest thing getting me down is that I knew I would hate this job when I took it, so I'm really the only one to blame for my misery.

Other things I hate: the success of my day being largely dependent on the mood of my students, the fact that I have so much free time while simultaneously not having time to go out on the weekends (this largely prevents me from seeing performances, which is the bigger issue), and a general lack of fulfillment.

The school where I teach claims that they're "professional level," but they don't enforce the same kinds of rules a professional dance company would enforce, and most of the students either don't want to take class and are forced into it by their parents, or they only want to dance as long as they find it fun, which limits teachers (me) in what they are able to teach. If you want to go pro as a dancer, you have to put in the tedious, difficult work!

Anyway, as a result of all my discontent at work combined with the natural and expected difficulties of moving away from my home country and social support networks, I've been dealing with periodic bouts of what I'll call acute mild depression. Acute because I'm pretty sure it's caused by my current life situation and will dissipate once I change jobs, and mild because it's not impairing my functionality in any significant way, only my enjoyment of my free time (which SUCKS, because what's the point of working a job you hate if you can't have fun when you're off?).

I was blessed in high school and college to make a number of friends who have chronic mood disorders, and by listening and sympathizing with them, I've learned coping strategies and have enough self-discipline to enforce them. But most importantly, I understand that what I'm feeling is temporary. It's not going to be like this forever, so I have reasons to keep working even when I feel like there's no point. I'm not going to let myself fall apart here and blow the chances that come my way in the future.

I've never dealt with this kind of problem before because I was so lucky through my childhood and college years to always have a chance to do the things I've loved best, but now that I feel cut off from a lot of those things, I'm struggling.

That's not to say I'm miserable 24/7! I do enjoy a lot of things about my life and about China, and there are plenty of days where I'm perfectly chipper and fine. However, I don't want to lie and act like everything is all perfect all the time here. In talking to my friends, I'm seeing that it's remarkably normal for college graduates to struggle once they get out into the world, so I'm not looking for pity. I just want to be able to say going forward, "hey this week was really rough, but here's how I made the best of it" (or at least, "here's how I didn't let it be a total waste" haha). Also, to be able to admit if I take a long break from posting (as I just did), it's likely because I am dealing with a low period (which I just was).

I also feel pretty strongly about talking openly about mental health issues, considering the way they've been stigmatized in modern history. When you look back in time, there's whole eras in which melancholy was considered fashionable (I'm looking at you, Heian Japan and Romantic Europe), so it's not like people feeling pervasive sadness and lethargy is a new phenomenon.

Basically, I've accepted that I have this issue to deal with, and I want to be honest about it. I think that's the healthiest and best way to move forward.

(this post got a lot longer than I intended haha, my bad)

Peace, y'all.